Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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