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my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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