I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
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do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Someone came in the potted fern
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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