Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
