let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
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