Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
