All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
