Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
