I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
