Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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