in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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