Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I could make wine with my vomit
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
We are two peas in an std pod
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
