I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
