i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
