Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
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Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
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Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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