You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
