I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Will exercising make me less horny?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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