Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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