Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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