i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
