I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
