Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
