Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
