I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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