So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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