i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
