I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
