I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
