hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
