My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
