So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
