you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
