I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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