he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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