today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Im part way to drunk.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
