Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
