This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
