I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize