Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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