after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
