dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
