Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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