How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
