Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
