Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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