omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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