I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
farters have to be the big spoon...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
