so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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