"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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