Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
