Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
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When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
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What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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