just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
