for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
