I can tuck mytits in my pants
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
